Thursday, August 28, 2014

Crowned King

Since I have very little need to greet people on a red carpet, I have resorted to dosing my choppers in a regular bath of black coffee and diet soda. Yes while most folks spend heaps of their piggy treasure whitening their vamp-snackers, I darken mine to match the clotted parts of my heart. Still since I prefer to chew rather than gum Trident or other fishing equipment during my Poseidon adventures, I dutifully brush my food funnel frequently to ensure a glossy glare from my snappers as well as my peepers.

Unfortunately from time to time after gnawing on bones, toenails, or other waste can wonders, I will crack a hidden tooth deep down in my craw of awe. Rarely do I notice such events since I have 31 more back-ups and the only requirement for being a Chupacabra anyway is to howl, wear goat’s clothing and wolf down anything – not grin or bear it. Sadly however, my chops suffered a chip in the family that was hard to hide as I inadvertently nicked a corner off of one of my big upper front and center porcelain chew toys. 

On the plus side, I can open cans now without a church key and I also have new-found kinship for that bowl-cut dude in the Dumb and Dumber movie. Straws seem to feel far more streamlined and efficient too as they seamlessly slide inside my remaining teeth rather than clenched in between. Clearly my dream as a dental floss model has to be put on hold for awhile and yes, whistling is a thing of the past -except for the when the wind blows between my ears.

Fear not I still have a sliver of pride yet to extinguish so I donned my best red vest to obscure blood loss evidence, popped in a curiously strong mint to hinder halitosis, and saw a dentist to fix my malady. After my tooth fairy dissuaded me from breaking off the corner of the adjacent tooth so I could have a matching pair of bookends and face a hillbilly Dracula’s dental deliverance, I consented to a cap. Admittedly eating corn cobs without leaving a row behind is easier now and so is cat-calling ice-cream trucks from construction sites, though the next time I get crowned I hope it’s at a fat pageant as the creepy burger KING!