Thursday, November 7, 2013

Robot Fever

I dream of a future where robots will pick ticks off my hide better than that lazy service monkey I put up with, even though he works for peanuts. However I’m a bit concerned that machines will never be up to basic tasks especially given my negative experiences with that painful Epilady I shave with everyday. Lately even my rug Roomba has rejected my advances since its battery has become weaker and meeker as the dirt on my carpet becomes bleaker and streakier. 

It’s true that I’m no ‘shoe-in’ and a little out-of step with tomorrow’s high tech trinkets. Even easy remotes spook my simple skull and don’t work all that great when covered in grime and fist-foods that I ate. I also  can’t understand why those motion sensing lights refuse to react if my elephant carcass lumbers under one, but when a runt of a rodent dashes past, the thing lights up like an immolating monk? Though I have figured out how to turn off most digital clocks with a hammer, I am still perplexed as to why my microwave needs to know the date before giving me one to heat meat and eat freely. 

I’m probably just in a bad mood since I found out that my electronic coffee pot has a really high fever and feels hot to the touch. Actually I am pretty sure it has worsening Alzheimer’s since its brain regularly forgets what it is doing and just stops brewing in the middle of a cycle. Just my dumb luck – why couldn’t my Pyrex pot be just nuts or have Parkinson’s disease because then at least I might be able to start the day with a delicious protein ‘shake’. 

I just wish today’s pocket robots required a little less babysitting  as compared to real babies which actually protest even more loudly when you almost sit on them. It just seems I spend too much time buying bricks of specialized batteries, software, cables, and compatibility accessories to keep all of these needy new-age gizmos from getting sick and becoming a burden to me and the rest of society. Luckily humans are so much less demanding - all they want is the basics like free healthcare paid for by somebody else, a wing, a prayer, and a Diet Coke with a Mentos chaser that DOESN’T blow up in your face.