Thursday, October 31, 2013


Sadly as I have gotten older and my permanently mounted gray mask has gotten scarier, it seems my interest in Halloween has waned a bit. This is particularly irritating given the fact that the rest of the world seems to be turning toward the orange light and embracing the pseudo holiday with invigorated fervor. Why now is everyone showing up so late to this party since when I was on board, my Mummy used to preach to me about my impaired judgment for handing out candy to kids from the back of my van.

I really did not see the problem since children scare me every other day of the year so what’s the big deal with putting out a little pay-back every 31st of October? What else am I to do with that big bag of five year old fun-sized bars of chalky chocolate and a dusty dish of ribbon candy from last Christmas? You don’t expect me to feed that stuff to my pet llama do you because I’m almost positive he will spit it out at me.

Who really likes this season of the pumpkin except for the reason it gives to make tasty pie crusts, play with cans of aerosol whipped cream, and lord over locker room sunflowers with the sheer size of their seeds? I don’t need some ghost holiday to tell me that being hopped up on sugar and glowing in the dark is a little more fun than a carefully regulated lifestyle. Hey I already know a little something about being a ‘batty’ pagan, irresponsibly wolfing down a week’s worth of overpriced chocolate in a day, and hanging out on the web so what’s so special about All Hallows Eve?   

You see geezer-creatures like me naturally lose interest in celebrating one dumb day a year of terror, since every day already feels like Halloween as I repulse reflexively at mirrors due to my bloodshot vision and a plethora of personal hygiene nightmares. It’s one thing to appear more and more like those moldy n’ craggy sleepy hollowed out pumpkins heading for a REAL crypt, but it’s quite another to smell like them too. So it’s probably best that I continue to act my age and avoid ‘going over the top’ with my inner-Weener; but believe me it’s difficult since every October a little part of me still dreams of donning a hockey mask, fake machete and a ‘too loose’ pair of PANTS!