Thursday, July 25, 2013

Dimpled Dilemma

It seems to be a universal truth that dimples define the beholder as being more ‘attractive’ or ‘nicer’ to the outside world. After all doesn’t the movie hero always have a commanding cup in his chin or a pair of charming concaved cheek treats to peek out and greet us upon the silver screen? I too generally believe this theory since newborn babies rarely have told me to ‘get lost’ and only once has an obese dimpled ‘sister’ tossed her cookies n’ tray my way at a ‘Nun Chuck’ Chinese buffet. 

Though most men like me prefer to remain soft, shallow, and dip-free, sitting on a bloated brick of a wallet all day makes my duff and personality, lean to the deeply divoted, distressed and gruff. Who wants to sit and spin repeatedly on a giant leather sandwich short on green ‘lettuce’ but always ready willing and able to dent my DOWNtown dermis. Dimpled darling Shirley Temple never danced with junk in her trunk so why does society hold my hurting heiny up with such calloused disregard and un-pampered expectations.

It’s no wonder guys like me are growly and grumpy by mid-day lunchy since we pack the back of our pants and lean into the large load we lodge under our rumpy. I’m tired of reaching behind me for a pittance of Pesos only to find that one side or the other of ‘Thing 1 and Thing 2’ is usually depressed and unusually blue. Yes it’s high time that my backside moves up to front and center so as to stop being abused and pressured by money-carrying conventions (or double stuffed burritos) and to be recognized for its daily sacrifice. 

What I need is some kind of a ‘man-purse’ to let me carry my lack of loot and shopping plastic around without all the persistent pressure of a ballooning tri-fold lump in my Levi-logoed lederhosen. I’m tired of having some dumb credit card caddy crater my caboose and shadow the natural arcs of my ‘tocks with the marks of dark pocketbook pocks. Hmmm – maybe I can solve this dimpy derrière dilemma simply by invoking my elephantine size combined with my given name? You see I will simply keep all of my cards, photos, and cash handy in a few of my secret nooks, cranny flaps, and doughy-soft overlaps – better known as “BILLfolds”.