Thursday, May 9, 2013


Unlike most folks who have their faces crammed into the leaves of People magazine and salivate at salacious gossip and celebrity turmoil, I like stars too but with a tad more Celestial seasoning for flavor. It is not unusual for me to creep around in the still of night peering out windows with binocs, or a telescope sporting a twinkled eye for stimuli. Far past the neighbor’s hushed huts and crisp night air, there is always a good show to be had when searching for Orion’s belt, the Big Dipper, or if it’s unusually cold out - the LITTLE dipper instead.

Obviously that means I spend an inordinate amount of time skulking around this shovel-ready shed in a pair of clown-sized sloppy slippers. I would prefer to tread lightly nightly to the poop deck in just a pair of wooly socks, but that would require negotiating our waxy wood hallways with training wheels and a mandatory field sobriety test. So unless I stay true to my SOLE-less reputation or lash on some leathery overdone rubber steaks to my feet, I have no chance against frictionless surfaces and earthbound gravity.

Actually on bare wood and slick surfaces my naked feet too of are no use anymore, since like my heart they have become enlarged, calloused and hardened to all true feeling. Oh don’t worry I can still run when necessary to the facilities, but fortunately both the geezer buffet and bingo parlor are of ample size and fully carpeted.  Otherwise my fat flat feet-skis are just permanently attached skates which are admittedly convenient, since I’m always on thin ice with my wife and penguin fishing buddies for hogging the krill.

Oh well with all the telescoping tumult in the universe, there are probably a lot worse things than being bound forever to an indefatigable future of furry fleecy footwear and spying on strings of strung-out stars. I guess since I can’t beat ‘em (‘cause it’s illegal), I will join most of Hollywood’s ‘ditz and lameness’ by stepping  down a notch in the animal kingdom, off my sand-box into cat litter for better traction. If nothing else it will make the den smell a tad a better, absorb incessant drooling, and if I am lucky - help me avoid falling on my ‘Ursa Major’ ASTerism!