Thursday, December 20, 2012

Red Letter Days

Out of all the holidays, July 4th used to be my favorite because I could blow stuff up (other than pool toys) without going to jail. My second favorite holiday is Halloween since I’m free to walk among the living and scare kids on one night as much as they scare me daily over the rest of the year. If I do a good job of tricking treatsters, I can score even MORE sugar than I normally get when dressed as a weird geezer slogging to my neighbors with a sweet recipe in hand. 

Next on that list is Thanksgiving because it truly is a day of simple pleasures like stuffing bread into the dark headless cavity of poultry and buttering up loose pink skin (sometimes on the turkey too). St. Patrick’s isn’t bad when you’re as partial to pinching as I am and VETerans day is really special because like most folks, I love patriotic pets.   So what about the status of big ‘gifty’ days like Christmas, the day when I was hatched, and of course everybody’s fav holiday - tax day on April 15th. 

Christmas-time feels more like a noisy reindeer race starting with Kwanzaa (which I assume is on black Friday), seven days of candles pitchfork-perched in the middle, and ends  by cleaning up annoying tinsel, enormous credit card and travel bills. Beyond Santa’s blinding BLURR on my saddle so many taxes are due by New Years, which means by mid April I’m sick of giving the government or anyone ANYTHING, except maybe an oversized foam finger.

My birthday dropped a few notches at a young age when my parents FORGOT what date I was actually born on and made me wait sleeplessly in anticipation until the day AFTER to celebrate. Now my b-day is more of a celebration of still having thick wild hair, though I’m not sure if it counts as much when it knots endlessly from my ears, eyebrows, nose and toes? Don’t worry though I intend to seek revenge when my folk’s old-fogey faculties become completely compromised by the ravages of time. Yes, I will simply write only ONE loving letter to my parent’s filled with praise and prose. I intend to thoughtlessly enthrall them with my attention and affections revealed in that same letter OVER and OVER again for every holiday. Now that’s what I call a real ‘READ letter day’ – of course, as long as I can remember what I wrote in that letter the last time so I can write it AGAIN!