Thursday, September 13, 2012

DumbYOUNG Deer

Since I don’t look good in camo and I’m not a hunter or a gatherer, I don’t get goosebumps at the thought of either shooting a deer or scooping up after pooping deer. My idea of fun doesn’t include a night of frigidity hugging a gun in a tree and waiting to capitalize on the first sign of an animal’s mistake – heck; I could stay home with the wife if I wanted that! Just because I suck on a salt lick pacifier all day flicking my own white tail at strangers, doesn’t mean deer are my mental equal and therefore as easy to fool.  
No, the deer anti-defamation league would not be happy with the thought of gawking at Google to find themselves represented by a grainy profile of ME staring at a nightlight, frozen with fear. Even young deer don’t want to be known as THAT dumb, so they try hard to preen their media image with Bambi at the box office and that ‘oh so brilliant’ Rudolph during the holidays. All this 'talking deer' hype is an attempt to pass the BUCK and make lots of DOE for teen deer by showing the glee in singing BETTER than me and avoiding my life rife with ruts.

Though I did marry a DEAR 30 years ago, since then I’ve never once engaged any other talking ungulate in a meaningful conversation. In fact those haughty cloven-footed devils think so much of themselves, they refuse to FAWN over me and are always in a hurry to scoot when I show-up at their STAG parties. Oh sure my flowers and plants are good enough to sit with for a snack and leave a few of their PEARLS of wisdom, but these scat-happy beasts are entirely too stuck-up to stay for my STAKE dinner or at least discuss their just desserts.

Yep these dummy deer must be a lot smarter than the ranch dressing ruminants who I typically compete with at the salad buffet, since they have figured out how to eat limitlessly for FREE while avoiding the rigors of idle chit-chat. I guess it’s been a long time since I’ve seen any living things so wide-eyed, rude, horny, hairy and HUNGRY! It must be obvious that my kid’s been out of the house for awhile now, since I clearly don't remember anything about teenagers at all!