Thursday, April 19, 2012


Hey just because I hide out stalking the dump and have only the finest things at my disposal, I’ll bet you think I lead a plush and whiney, Wonder-bread kind of life? Oh sure my GLUTEens are a bit bigger, softy white, and definitely more airy than yours from leisurely lounging and constantly eating carbs. But what you don’t know is it still takes some determination, and a lot of sweat to pound back buckets of hillbilly fried food and 180 proof Mountain Dew every day.

While it’s true that being raised with chupacabra and silent but deadly lambs near mountains of recycled cans buys a lot of creature comforts and wiry hair products, I have trials in my life just like every other inmate out there. For example, I am not good with straws or other stuff that sucks. I can never get the paper off straws so regardless of my choice of beverage, I get chunks of unsavory wrapping paper ‘Boba’ in my craw too. Since straws stick up so far out of the drinks, I will rarely remember this fact and begin my advance to the rim for a swig and get poked in the eye. While that is painful in the direct sense, it is far less of a concern than the fact that before this violation, I was just poked up the SCHNOZZ too!

Generally I revel in the labor saving jiggles and gyrating gymnastics of my bountiful bevy of hovel-hold appliances. However, vacuums and I are mortal enemies. Like those pesky escargot, they leave tracks all over my carpets and do unspeakable things to rugs, bugs, and dental floss. I can’t tell you how many bags of cobweb flotsam I have had to swim through to find an earring, penny, or flavorful Starburst candy. I know these ‘dust cup’ British vacs are all the rage now because apparently bag vacs cost too much and suck way less. Well I don’t know about you but honestly I'm not convinced - after all,when is the last time anything GOOD ever came out of a hot and sweaty Brit’s junk-cup?

So you see I’m not really a ‘high-liver’ and DO have significant problems like everyone else which are just as important as weighty politics and Angelina Jolie’s marital status. No, life behind padded white walls and a kink-free leather mask is not as perfect as you might think. Truly every day is a real challenge to decide between the sweet green bean pudding or pureed fruit cup for dessert. Like butterflies that are free however, I have learned to keep my proboscis clean and simply ‘suck it up’ when it comes to adversity and life’s bad nectar. Unless there is a real straw that’s involved of course – just my luck; ‘yup’ those fava beans abruptly get stuck when I snuff 'em up -YUUUCK!